Some food, some drink.

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Abstract: Once after a party, I was 'gifted' a bottle of rot-your-gut, open-bar-at-the-wedding-reception vodka. Not wanting to waste what was bestowed on me, and yet wanting to save my palate from impending doom, I started to consider infusions. Around this this time, the Bloody Mary was my 5 o'clock cocktail du jour. As that particular adult beverage is already great for masking the unpleasantries of cheap vodka, I figured, “why not give the booze a little more help?” I opted for a two tiers of assistance: black pepper to nuke any trace of charcoal-tinged burn, while finishing crisp and clean with fresh celery.

Purpose: Vodka's funny stuff in that it's one of the few things folks will pay more for when it tastes like nothing. Yeah it's silly; I'm guilty of it too, as I've got my favorite flavor of nothing as well. As nothing is always worth something, there are times where if you add more of another something, you can tolerate less nothing.

It just so happened that on one occasion, I was left with a bottle that was a little more something than nothing. Here was a bottle I'd not held in my hands since the days of college. The whole experience was akin to being caught singing along to hair metal. Once, a treasured thing; now, awkward and embarrassing. The first thing I had to do was get it out of that ridiculous silver & black, bird of prey-emblazoned getup. Time for an infusion.

As I was researching guidelines regarding infusion times, the common theme seemed to be about a week for infusions with strong flavors, and two to three weeks for more delicate infusions. Finding a baseline for the peppercorn infusion was a no-brainer (thank you, Mr. Brown). However, I was having problems finding a documented celery infusion. In the end, the closest I could find was this cucumber infusion. As both are vegetables that don't have a lot of essential oils to give up, I figured it'd do.

Observation: First things first. Make sure the glassware you're using to infuse is clean. A good bet is hot water and some of that non-chlorinated cleaner oft-hawked by well-groomed fellas now deceased. You can use soap too, but you'll have to rinse it reeeealy good. Concerning choice of booze: assuming you already have an empty fifth to put the finished product into, if you're gonna buy cheap, buy big. You're not gonna find any flavored vodka at the local package store that's worth drinking for less than five bucks a fifth. This is an open invitation to experiment.

Because we're dealing with opposite ends of the flavor infusion spectrum, it only makes sense to begin with the celery infusion, as it's going to take longer to procure those gentler, subtle flavors. Make sure to chop up the stuff from the center, leaves and all. Ever noticed the heart and leaves smell more like celery than the outer ribs? Chances are, you were probably going to throw it out anyway (for shame!), so if you're not going to use your celery hearts for soups, stocks and salads, at least put it to good use here.

Results: As with any infusion, know your target. If you were planning more of a martini-style application, it might behoove you to spring for the good stuff. In this case, I'm betting on the V8, Worcestershire, and Sriracha to nuke the remaining undesirable tastes. Truth be told, most Bloody Marys are probably going to be able to fend off those oft-putting flavors without an infusion, but what you'll be missing is additional depth of flavor without all the added crud found in a bottled Bloody Mary mix (Seriously. We shouldn't even be talking about bottled mix). This vodka infusion adds the pungent perk of peppercorn plus a nose of celery that folks associate with a Bloody Mary, all without having to worry about an eye-gouge from the garnish.

Gallery:

There is beauty in simplicity. Celery and black pepper infused into vodka makes a splendid addition to your liquor cabinet.

There is beauty in simplicity. Celery and black pepper infused into vodka makes a splendid addition to your liquor cabinet.

Look for tender, green and leafy when selecting celery for this infusion. You were probably going to throw that part out anyway.

Look for tender, green and leafy when selecting celery for this infusion. You were probably going to throw that part out anyway.

After a couple of weeks in the booze, the celery doesn't look so hot. The parenchyma…

After a couple of weeks in the booze, the celery doesn't look so hot. The parenchyma has given its essence to a noble cause.

You don't wanna grind the pepper; just crack those peppercorns. Ground too fine, you'll just be replacing one burn with another.

You don't wanna grind the pepper; just crack those peppercorns. Ground too fine, you'll just be replacing one burn with another.

Make sure you give this mess a swirl every day. You'll slowly start to see that nasty neutral spirit transform into something beautiful.

Make sure you give this mess a swirl every day. You'll slowly start to see that nasty neutral spirit transform into something beautiful.

This color usually isn't the sign of good vodka, but trust me, we're ready to filter and bottle. The hardest part here is pouring the stuff out of the…

This color usually isn't the sign of good vodka, but trust me, we're ready to filter and bottle. The hardest part here is pouring the stuff out of the jar without making a mess.

Drip-by-drip, let your celery peppercorn vodka funnel thru a couple of coffee filters into a clean bottle. Patience!

Drip-by-drip, let your celery peppercorn vodka funnel thru a couple of coffee filters into a clean bottle. Patience!

This is why we filter after the infusion. Nothing tasty about dirty, embalmed celery. Don't try to squeeze any remaining out, it ain't worth it.

This is why we filter after the infusion. Nothing tasty about dirty, embalmed celery. Don't try to squeeze any remaining out, it ain't worth it.

Now, for the reward from the fruits of our labor. Great for a Bloody Mary, but I bet a celery peppercorn infusion would make a fine martini if you upgraded…

Now, for the reward from the fruits of our labor. Great for a Bloody Mary, but I bet a celery peppercorn infusion would make a fine martini if you upgraded the vodka.